


Commander

by TheElusiveDabbler (I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3671949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins/pseuds/TheElusiveDabbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Kaidan reflects over his grief of his Commander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Commander

He shoves his feet roughly into thick, black combat boots. A sharp sense of loss overwhelms him and his hands feel shaky. It has been three months and he still can't believe it. It can't be true, it can't be.

His commander is dead. Dead? How can he... be dead? Shep had always been so strong, so present and virile. Kaidan draws a shaky breath in, trying desperately to collect his thoughts.

He can't focus on that right now. There was more at stake, even now. He has to move on, get past this, learn to breathe on his own again. He grabs his Kessler X and runs a hand over his face.

He stares at the pistol, a blank expression as he takes in the dull black metal. This is how he had died. Such a simple thing, Kaidan thinks, as he holds the pistol up in front of his face, brows furrowed together.

Who would've thought that a mere bullet could take the smile from Shepard's face? No, Shepard was supposed to be undefeatable. Untouchable. Heroes weren't killed on a routine patrol after they had retired. Not heroes like his Shepard.

He had been laughing,  _laughing_ , the fool. He hadn't even been wearing armour, but of course Shepard didn't care. He never cared about the risks he took, but heaven forbid someone else on the squad take the same risk. He had flung himself head first into danger the moment it had arisen, talking gleefully over his shoulder about how he was hoping this mission would have some action, like the old days.

No, only Sheperd was invulnerable. Or, so they had all believed. The man had seemed like a legend even before everything had happened. But even legends can die. No one was immune to a bullet to the head. Not even Shepard, who had already died at least once.

And now he's dead for good. He has lost him, again, and after everything they'd been through...

It still doesn't seem real. Except when it hurts. Then it's painfully real, like a knife spinning around inside his chest, slicing up his heart over and over again until it's nothing but a raw, bleeding mess that once, had beat only for Shepard.

It's hurting now. A sharp pain that hurts so bad he can barely breathe past it. He 's sure he was going to choke on the pain as tears stream down his cheeks again, staining his skin with salty trails.

Shepard's memory is bitter in his mouth. If he closes his eyes, he can still see him, smell him- Hell, he can almost taste his coffee-laced kiss on his tongue. 

Kaidan realizes then that he hated the taste of coffee now, and has ever since Shep died. He wishes the bullet had hit him, instead. It's selfish, he knows it, but he'd rather be dead than alive with all this pain inside his heart.

A soft knock taps at the door. "I'm coming," he shouts, and holsters his gun.

He opened the door and saw Tali. "Are you ready... Commander?" she asks.


End file.
